That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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