not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
