On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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