DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
His nipple licking is glorious
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