holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
