So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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