Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
