The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize