I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
