textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
