I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
