There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
