I look better un-naked...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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