My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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