I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish you could order shots online.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
