I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We left the knife in your bed.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
