even my farts smell like vagina
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
