New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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