highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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