doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
