im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I intend to get homeless drunk
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
