I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
