The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
