I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
