Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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