I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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