life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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