I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize