You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
