i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I am one with the molecules
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
