I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize