We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
