Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
