I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
