So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize