I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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