i was born a porn star she said
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Floor bacon is actually really good
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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