Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
