I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
