I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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