did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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