do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You need Xanax blowdarts
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
