The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
