8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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