What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
the liver wants what the liver wants
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
