I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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