I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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