Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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