If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
