How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
