she takes plan B like it's going out of style
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
cat food counts as protein by the way
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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