Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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