i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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