The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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