Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
