Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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