i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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