She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
