I like my sex mixed with concussions.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
