woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
