this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
