We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
