I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize