o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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