man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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