Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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