i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
